at not quite 17

I've never been that teacher. It should be easy enough to do. Given that I don't have 150 students, acknowledging birthdays should be a snap. This year, the computerized gradebook program even alerts me that one is coming, so it wouldn't take much effort to recognize each kid's day in some organized way. Lord knows we celebrate mine. But every year by the time I think of it, I've missed somebody, and then it wouldn't be fair. At least that is my argument, at least that is my excuse.

I always wish I'd gotten it together, though. Monday there's a big one coming up. I hadn't remembered but when the gradebook did, I said something right away.

"Monday is your birthday!"

"No it's not." For once he shies away from attention.

"So you'll be 17?"

"That's the thing, Ms. P. You never know how old an illegal immgirant is." My response somewhere between an eye-roll and a sigh. "My ID says I'm 18." I am not scandalized.

I'm heartbroken, is what I am. Or something close to that. This kid is too aware of his situation, too cognizant of his plight. It's possible to overcome, and it's possible that he might. But at the moment he's seventeen, or nearly, and he doesn't have it in him to fight. He believes in predestination as much as any Puritan he just studied, he believes in That's The Way It Is. Odds are, he's not wrong, but I refuse to concede the point. Perhaps, in there somewhere, he's listening.

"Illegal immigrants don't go to college, Ms. P." That's his self-protective mantra. No reason for regrets or disappointment if the goal is empirically unreachable.

"Yes, they do. It's hard, but it's possible." I wish I had more than two examples.

We've had the conversation that starts that way a thousand times, in a thousand variations, though we each stick to our parts. A shame that the best I can offer him is, "You just don't know how things will turn out, what the law will be, where you will live; it's why you have to try." I sound more certain than I feel. Sometimes I ask if he wants to work as hard as his dad has, as hard as he is now, for the rest of his life. Sometimes he thwarts me with, "Yes."

The truth that lurks in that smart-ass answer always gives me pause. I don't really know if it will possible for him to make a different life; I just don't want him to give up. Not now, not at not-quite-seventeen, when it all should be beginning. One way or the other, he'll be fine; at work he's ridiculously conscientious. But unrealized potential is hard to take. Just ask either one of us.