Tony Soprano may have saved a life tonight

Tonight I gathered with my sisters and our families at the Olive Garden to celebrate my mom's 70th birthday. Nothing but the third or fourth best Italian restaurant in town for dear old mom.

Greeting one another with a hug and kiss, she thanked me for putting her picture in the Milestones section of the paper. I tried not to show that I had nothing to do with it and no knowledge of it (if I had, it wouldn't have included a low-resolution, pixilated image that was undoubtedly taken with a cell phone).

We're not the closest family, in fact we're quite fractured. Dysfunctional doesn't quite fit. Nonfunctional seems more accurate. Though we live in the same town, family gatherings are rare. That's just fine by me, though mom said repeatedly tonight how she wished we'd get together more.

Don't hold your breath, Mom, not at your age.

Someone always seems to be feuding with someone over something stupid. On the rare occasions of civility, we're still asking for trouble. For example, this past Christmas resulted in an ugly political and religious discussion between my surprisingly conservative know-it-all brother-in-law and my liberal-leaning nephew and bible-thumping niece. I participated for as long as I could stand it, but decided there was no room for politics or religion in Christmas and walked away.

Tonight seemed to be going well as I kept a close eye on the time for fear of missing The Sopranos. I didn't even mind the look on Mom's face when she opened my gift and, instead the gift certificate she coveted (according to my sisters), found an arrangement of imitation flowers that reminded me of the real ones that bloomed heartily at my childhood home. I neglected to mention this, not wanting to open a can of worms.

But things took the inevitable turn for the worst when Mom steered us down memory lane, remembering how I used to constantly shake my leg. Among all my childhood memories -- good, bad and indifferent -- this doesn't even register. Then my loud-mouth little -- make that younger -- sister chimes in from across the room.

I bit my lip, refusing to take the bait, and said I didn't have time to debate a matter that a) isn't true, b) doesn't mean squat and c) might interfere with my viewing of The Sopranos. Who says you can't choose your family?