Flak Jacket Day at the Ballpark

Nobody knows how to celebrate National Stupid Analogy Day like John Shimkus, R-IL, in whose district, it pains me to say, I reside.

Imagine my beloved St. Louis Cardinals are playing the much despised Chicago Cubs. The Cardinals are are up by five, finishing the top of the ninth. Is this a cause for celebration? Is this a cause for victory? No. Unbelievable as it may seem, the Cubbies score five runs in the bottom of the ninth to throw the games into extra innings. There the score remains until 1:00 AM, five innings later. However, at the top of the 15th, the Cardinals fail to field a batter. The entire team has left the stadium. It seems that they are more worried about next day’s 1:00 PM game at home than finishing the game at hand. Who wins? We know it’s the team that stays on the field. Arbitrary deadlines and a date certain accept defeat before the conclusion of the contest. It is our national security interest that continue to take the field and support a moderate Arab state. Leaving prior assures a loss for us and victory for our opponents which will lead to another extremist Islamic state.

There's so much wrong here I'm surprised his sentences haven't collapsed under the weight of their own fallaciousness. Does the man not even realize that an opposing team first has to be good before it can be despised? At any rate, the phrases towards the end do seem to have started to self-destruct. I even watched the CSPAN video at Think Progress to try to make sure that's what he said, but I could salvage no coherence there. The screwed up syntax of sentences like "Arbitrary deadlines and a date certain accept defeat before the conclusion of the contest" must be a sign Shimkus is suffering the side effects of drinking the same Kool Aid as Bush. How else could he both so obtuse as to compare a disastrous, destructive civil war to a baseball rivalry that typifies good natured fun, and, on top of that offense, actually misunderstand how that game works? Clearly, he's intent on supporting the failed Rangers owner through his most serious loss yet, and clearly, I'm never going to be represented by my Representative.