New Rules for Cliches

I'm glued to Bill Maher's HBO show from start to finish, but if pressed for a favorite segment it would be "New Rules." In that spirit, I present these suggested New Rules for cliches.

In a Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel column titled "Thompson won't spend millions on mediocrity," Mike Vandermause writes "While some teams have been throwing money around like drunken sailors, Thompson has taken a more conservative approach."

I have no quarrel with the Packers' GM here. It's with the columnist and his "drunken sailor" reference. Isn't this disrespectful to troops who haven't had a drop of alcohol since being assigned their hopeless mission in Iraq -- which is neither Afghanistan or Saudi Arabia, for those who care?

NEW RULE: Metaphors for frivolous spending must now refer to Pacman Jones instead of members of the military. Never heard of Pacman? Among the 10 incidents where the Tennessee Titans' cornerback has been interviewed by police is his presence during a Las Vegas strip club/NBA All-Star weekend triple-shooting that left one man paralyzed.

The trouble started after 4 a.m., when Jones and his entourage of a half-dozen people -- including the alleged shooter -- returned to the club for the second time that evening.

Jones tossed hundreds of $1 bills on the stripper stage. When a dancer started grabbing the money without Jones' permission, he got angry, grabbed her hair and slammed her head against the stage.

How many drunken sailors have you seen behave like that?

Next up is the latest cliche, "it is what it is." No, it isn't. It was what it was, perhaps, but you can't refer to something that happened in the past as if it were happening now.

NEW RULE: "It is what it is" becomes "It was what it was." Either that, or we go back to talking about giving 110 percent and putting pants on one leg at a time.

Suddenly it occurs to me that I'm out of suggestions and that you might have ideas of your own. So I end this encouraging you faithful readers to submit your NEW RULE for cliches.