Epilogue

I can state unequivocally that I’ve forgotten more about my “mid-life crisis” than my dear friend Allison remembers. Now I’ll tell you “the rest of the story.”

We’ve both found our way back to our natural callings – or at least are making relevant use of our college degrees – and have stayed in touch through the series of pipes that is the Internets.

My family even visited hers one rainy St. Louis weekend and I got to see my hero Orel Hershiser pitch one last time for the Dodgers. However, if memory serves me, we only saw about nine outs that day because of the rain. Mark McGwire may have even homered as it was the height of the “juiced ball” era. (Remember all the time and attention that was paid to that theory? It now seems ridiculous since we’ve learned it was the players who were juiced, but I digress.)

Anyhow, Allison mentions my “company-wide kiss-off e-mail” in passing. I wouldn’t want our readers – either of you – to get the impression that I’m an impulsive hothead who doesn’t respect authority. At least not anymore, or not to the same degree. Aging will do that to you.

Our friendship was the product of natural forces. Allison had recently relocated from Green Bay to Iowa City with her husband’s job transfer. A lifelong, die-hard Packer fan, I was eager to hear her Titletown experiences. It was also the year the Packers returned to and won their third Super Bowl (and 12^th NFL championship).

I had recently flamed out as a newspaper reporter and carried around a lot of naiveté and anger about the corporate world. Like Allison, I had a baby on the way and simply needed a paycheck.

Allison’s description of this dysfunctional workplace will have to suffice as I can only add random memories of a place I’ve tried hard to forget, but oddly remember whenever I reach for a turkey baster. Allison’s post brought all of these memories crashing back into my brain and prompted me to comb through the archives of my life and times to find said e-mail.

Energized by today’s Packer win over Minnesota, I was pouring through all of my job reviews (all favorable, I might note), old newspaper clips, award certificates and such when (Eureka!) I found it. As a service to America and disgruntled workers everywhere, here it is (names have been changed to protect the innocent AND the guilty):

From: Lonnie Wiseacre
Sent: 09 April, 1997 3:45 p.m.
To: IOWA; HOME OFFICE
Subject: Final thoughts from a fleeing rat

If you don't know me (or wish you didn't) go ahead and delete this email.

Now for the 3 or 4 of you left, I would like to extend a fond farewell and best wishes as I depart for what I fully expect to be greener pastures.

Fear not: this is not one of those mushy "good-bye Ape Lied Corp., I'm leaving although everything and everyone here is wonderful" notes. Unlike those before me, my decision to leave Ape Lied was not at all difficult.

I'll get to resume working as a writer, something I enjoy greatly and at which I am fairly skilled. My experience as a software tech, by contrast, hasn't been all that enjoyable, primarily because my skills in this area are lacking. The drive to work will take me about 3 minutes instead of 30 (something I will especially appreciate tomorrow if the predicted 6 inch snowfall comes to fruition) and I may even be able to do my part to see that the kids are shuttled to and from day care. In addition, I will be better paid, which will come as no surprise to anyone at Ape Lied.

I would like to thank everyone who attempted to mold me into a competent technician, particularly those hard-working folks from Chicago who showed such dedication in getting the Iowa office off the ground. I hope I didn't fail you too badly. Please know that I am leaving with considerably more knowledge and understanding of computers than I came with.

I will miss my co-workers in Iowa (most of you anyway) who have persevered under some very trying circumstances. Those of you who moved so quickly from classmates to monitors (even though you are not being paid to work in this capacity) have my utmost respect. You will go far, somewhere else if not at Ape Lied. I empathize with those of you who have struggled, like me, and encourage you to stick with it and you will be rewarded, somewhere else if not at Ape Lied.

Years from now when by beautiful daughter Karissa is crowned Miss America, I will think of you all since you were there in the beginning. And you'll be able to say "you knew me when" when Zach inks his major league baseball contract. With every future Super Bowl win by the Green Bay Packers (and there will be many and it won't take 30 years) I will think of you for sharing (enduring?) the blissful 1996 season with me. I leave you my prized Reggie White animated cursor (that's a title towel he's waving) to remember me by. (Good luck setting it up, it took me months to get it right. One key is your reachout.ini must have colorcursor=yes in the system section, per Don Shout.)

To my teammates, I leave behind my coat tree as a symbol you will always find in me a place to hang your hat. I appoint my neighbor Cindy Cubicle keeper of the tree for being such a good sport as her New England Patriots suffered inevitable defeat in the Super Bowl.

I wish you all Godspeed and, if you are not as fortunate as I in your career pursuits, I hope Ape Lied will become the company it was touted to be when we came on board. You are the heart and sole (sic) of a company handicapped only by an underdeveloped corporate spine. Someday the powers that be will realize this has grown into a large company and will run it as such and not as the company it was when it was working out of a home.

I hope they will one-day have formal, written personnel policies and will not deal with such common matters as maternity leave on a case-by-case basis. And in formulating these policies, I hope they will see the Family and Medical Leave Act as a minimum standard and not an excuse for not doing the right thing.

I hope they will recognize their considerable investment in their employees and strive to retain them. And when employees do leave, as happens everywhere, I wish those left behind would not have to wonder and worry while seeing little, if any, effort to hire replacements.

Ciao! Carpe Diem!

P.S. In keeping with tradition...Number of times I have seen Bob: 0
(ignore the man behind the curtain!)

Editor’s note: The response to this e-mail ranged from complimentary to highly critical, which is no surprise. But the number of people who chose to “reply all”, caused the company’s network to crash, which is something I never imagined or intended. Ever since I’ve been lobbying the NFL to record one more sack for the late, great Reggie White.

And lest I forget, there was Allison's reply, including this paragraph that would change the course of our friendship forever:

And as for keeping in touch, as you can see -- if you're still reading -- you're not the only one who can write *way* long emails, so drop a line anytime. I'd like to hear how this new adventure goes and whatever else is happening. Plus, who else will give me endless crap about the crappy Cardinals?